Cat food is not gluten free.

THIS IS A CAUTIONARY TALE! I DO NOT CONDONE THE EATING OF CAT FOOD, ESPECIALLY FOR CELIACS.

That being said, I didn’t eat cat food. Not really. I mean, I always suspected that cat food had gluten in it. Wheat is one of the cheapest binders that we have these days. Pet food is put together from all of the parts that even McDonald’s wouldn’t put in their food. And that’s saying something.

So, how did I wind up eating cat food? Well that’s a simpler story that you would think.

It all started because my husband didn’t run the dishwasher. He’s the cook, for the most part, therefore the kitchen is his domain. That means that, when we were divvying up regular chores, he got the dishes. I’m also going to add that we’re not GREAT housekeepers. We’re pretty good at keeping the house clean. Well, if I’m honest, we’re okay at it. Well, if I’m really honest we aren’t hoarders. We wash dishes and clothes and pick up after ourselves, mostly. We just don’t always get the clothes put away after we’re done washing them and the dishes almost never make it into the cupboard. We mostly pull the dishes out of the dishwasher and go.

Also, we have some spoiled cats. Years ago, upon the suggestion of our vet, we started feeding them twice a day with a mixture of wet and dry food mixed with water, and it’s my job to feed the cats. So I use a fork to mix the wet food with water…and you’re starting to see all of the pieces fall into place now right?

So, one morning I grabbed a fork from the dishwasher and got going on my breakfast. It looked clean, so I didn’t think anything of it. It wasn’t until I started to feel sick that my husband asked me where I got the offending piece of silverware from, and I said, “the dishwasher” because that’s where the clean dishes live in our house.

He looked aghast and said, “I didn’t run the dishwasher last night.”

All you can really say to that is “well shit” and try and figure out how to deal with the symptoms, because the damage was done.

The best part, was when people asked me how I got glutened, I got to say “cat food,” which lead my co-workers to tease me about not eating cat food for days.

And, I’m sure I know what you’re thinking; why don’t you just use grain free cat food?

See, that’s an even more interesting story. We have 2 cats on special diets. One has crystals in his urine. It’s not as glamorous as it sounds, he doesn’t pee diamonds. I mean, if he did, that would be great, but no, these are the kinds of crystals that can block in urinary tract and kill him. So he gets special food and medicine to keep his urine’s pH balanced. So, he has to eat what he has to eat. End of story.

The other cat, well our awesome 17 year old cat was diagnosed with diabetes the same week that I went in for my endoscopy. We tried, really hard to regulate it with diet. We fed him the special diabetes food that the vet sells. He didn’t like it. We fed him super low glycemic food that was both gluten and grain free (literally it was just protein) he wouldn’t eat it. And when I say wouldn’t eat it, I mean nearly starved himself to death wouldn’t eat it.  You know what he would eat? Friskies? We by him food that is $2.00 a can, and he only wants to eat the cheap crap. We bought him duck and chicken livers and he wants to eat “Mariner’s Catch.” So even if I wanted to, we can’t make our cats go gluten free.

So, now we make sure we wash our dishes and counters and my hands and everything that might have touched cat food ever in its entire existence. See, I’m washable, so is my house. My cats, they’re little shits, and whiney as all get out. But they’re the best napping buddies and the best cuddlers (next to my husband) and if I have to take a little risk to make sure that they’re fed and healthy, I’ll take a little risk.

But, you better believe I’m not going to be eating anything that they eat for a very long while.

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