The 52 Things I Learned Going Gluten Free

With my gluten-freeiversary looming over the horizon (on Pi day of all days), it’s time to reveal the list to end all lists. The list of the 52 things that I learned over the last year.
Warning: I’m not pulling punches on these things…also I tend to talk in ellipsis…
1. Rice pasta doesn’t float.
2. Day one: so now what?
3. When you clear out your pantry, you will cry a little.
4. Life can continue, there is good gluten free beer
5. Everyone will have well-meaning advice for you. Most of it is total crap.
6. You are your own gatekeeper (aka how to avoid GIGO)
7. No one will be as careful as you, and you will probably be more careful then you need to be.
8. When you find a server who “knows”, tip them well. They will be your best friend.
9. Cat food is not gluten free.
10. Gluten free playdough
11. You cannot catch gluten through the toilet seat
12. Liar, liar intestines on fire.
13. Screw you guys, I’m going home.
14. People will be okay with you being gluten free a human being.
15. Do Celiacs dream of McDonald’s French Fries?
16. Be open to try new things.
17. Vodka: not just potatoes anymore
18. Don’t trust a brand, read a label.
19. You have a whole new reason to dread the holidays
20. Be a guest, not a hurricane.
21. Don’t be a food Sherpa.
22. The food of our people is not cheap.
23. Fuck you Food Network.
24. If he loves you, he won’t eat McDonalds in front of you (or at least apologize for it)
25. Pinterest, you dear frienimy.
26. Gluten free bread is good for one thing…
27. Not all “bulger” is created equal.
28. You can’t always eat what you want…
29. You can bake your own bread without being a Basic Bitch.
30. A good gluten-free bakery is like a unicorn, magical and special
31. You cannot control where other people’s hands go
32. I already gave up enough…
33. Potlucks and buffets share the same pitfall…other people
34. All Celiacs should retire to Italy.
35. Dear Diary, I stopped dreaming of bagels today.
36. A good husband will wash his hands before going to the bathroom
37. Semen is gluten free
38. Always serve yourself first.
39. Gluten free does not mean science free
40. Oh crumbs…
41. No, Benadryl doesn’t help with gluten
42. If you don’t say something, it’s your own fault
43. You will literally get the barley flu.
44. And you thought the perfect roux was hard before.
45. Mo’ ingredients, mo’ problems
46. But if it’s not healthier, why would anyone eat gluten free
47. Does paranoia annoy ya?
48. Bulking up is hard to do.
59. It’s my party, and I’ll cook if I want to
50. I need a hero (sandwich)
51. Wait, how is sushi not gluten free
52.Life is still nummy.
So there you go. Some may seem vague. Some may seem ridiculous, but here’s my hard fought wisdom laid out for you. Of course in the coming weeks I will be expanding on all of these thing, hopefully some of them will make a lot more sense. I also don’t promise do to these in order, but I will cover them all. So, if you’re just starting on your gluten free journey, or have been on it for years and need a good laugh, enjoy! We will have a great year together!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s